please don’t kill yourself

I awoke too early, and felt a bit sick about the task at hand: going back to the conjugal home, for the final vetting of my stuff.

Turned out it was cathartic. Yes, it was uncomfortable. Yes, I got a bit teary. But it was necessary, and I’m glad it’s done.

I scratched Buffy’s chin, discussed the final financial separations, loaded my car with books and my mum’s chinese checkers set, and said ‘so long’.


Auf wiedersehen.


End county maintained road. #photoadayjune #photoadayjune_hashimaree #yellow #sign

Then I went for a hike.  :::: happy sigh :::::

#outandabout #photoadayjune #photoadayjune_hashimaree #hiking #vff

With every step, I felt better.

I love living in Topanga. I am where I am meant to be right now.

I have no doubt at all about that, because it. feels. so. right.




So after the hike, I showered, then napped.

I napped!

I never do that. But I did. Because I can. And it feels good.

And … I don’t need a reason.

Mai tai!

THEN .. I had cocktails and dinner with some dear girlfriends.

Damn I love FaceTime. Thank you Steve Jobs. Happy birthday Jai.

THEN … I FaceTimed (thank you Steve Jobs) with my very handsome grandson Jai on his birthday, for a bit.

It was a euphorically wonderful day, celebrating new chapters and fresh air and friendships and family and possibilities. Celebrating love, not fear.

When I think that less than six months ago, on December 31 2011, I seriously contemplated suicide … I am so, so, SO glad that I changed my mind.

I beg you, if you are depressed, hold onto this thought: it gets better. It does.

I am living proof.

It gets better.

Life is good. Believe me.

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  1. Gumboots

     /  June 17, 2012

    I love reading about your journey!

    And thank you. :-)

  2. Ah I have been there to in that dark place. It does get better. You are so right.

  3. I am glad! :)

  4. redhedphotogirl

     /  June 17, 2012

    I’ve been in that dark place, too – more than once, I’m afraid. It does get better, or at least we realize that we should concentrate on the good stuff, not the bad… I’m so glad to count you as a friend, my dear H. XO

  5. Seems by the replies we all spent time there and we are each here in one way or another sharing the beauty with-in and around us as proof we are OK and all glad we made it through the dark times but are once again doing what makes us smile

  6. Louise

     /  June 19, 2012

    I am so, so SO glad that you changed your mind too.


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