r.i.p. nora

Above all, be the heroine of your life, not the victim.
– Nora Ephron

what it’s really all about

My #freaky #eyes

Backbone Trail

Backbone Trail

My happy #kichen

Sometimes it’s about breathing. Sometimes it’s about forgetting. Sometimes it’s about being absolutely OK with what I have right here, right now. With no striving for more income, a better emergency plan, all my ducks in a row.

Freaky eyes. Hiking trails. An ocean view. Flowers and herbs and a meal to prepare. It’s enough. It’s more than enough.

Sometimes it’s about letting go of the expectations I have set for myself, and loudly proclaimed to others. It’s about deleting the ‘to do’ list. Ditching the exercise plan. Drinking the third glass of wine.

It’s about turning up the music and dancing.

When I look at it honestly, it’s really all about the dancing.

Let’s twirl.

thank you, modern medicine

Untitled

Untitled

Pre-melanoma, be gone.

you ought to love someone

It’s 6 minutes. It’s worth 6 minutes of your time, if it makes you smile.

how to wind down

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Untitled
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Beach.

In the gloaming.

Peace.

please don’t kill yourself

I awoke too early, and felt a bit sick about the task at hand: going back to the conjugal home, for the final vetting of my stuff.

Turned out it was cathartic. Yes, it was uncomfortable. Yes, I got a bit teary. But it was necessary, and I’m glad it’s done.

I scratched Buffy’s chin, discussed the final financial separations, loaded my car with books and my mum’s chinese checkers set, and said ‘so long’.

Farewell.

Auf wiedersehen.

Good-bye.

End county maintained road. #photoadayjune #photoadayjune_hashimaree #yellow #sign

Then I went for a hike.  :::: happy sigh :::::

#outandabout #photoadayjune #photoadayjune_hashimaree #hiking #vff

With every step, I felt better.

I love living in Topanga. I am where I am meant to be right now.

I have no doubt at all about that, because it. feels. so. right.

.

.

.

So after the hike, I showered, then napped.

I napped!

I never do that. But I did. Because I can. And it feels good.

And … I don’t need a reason.

Mai tai!

THEN .. I had cocktails and dinner with some dear girlfriends.

Damn I love FaceTime. Thank you Steve Jobs. Happy birthday Jai.

THEN … I FaceTimed (thank you Steve Jobs) with my very handsome grandson Jai on his birthday, for a bit.

It was a euphorically wonderful day, celebrating new chapters and fresh air and friendships and family and possibilities. Celebrating love, not fear.

When I think that less than six months ago, on December 31 2011, I seriously contemplated suicide … I am so, so, SO glad that I changed my mind.

I beg you, if you are depressed, hold onto this thought: it gets better. It does.

I am living proof.

It gets better.

Life is good. Believe me.

the upside

Spontaneous sailing adventure!

My friend A called me at 5:40 this evening. “I know it’s really short notice, but do you want to go sailing? Now? We’re leaving in half an hour from the marina.”

It so happened that I was still at my desk, only a few miles from said marina. My first response was no, but thank you so much for asking. But five minutes later, as I was shutting down my computer, I thought, “Why on earth not?” I had nowhere else to be. No-one was expecting me or counting on me. I had a warm jacket to take. Be spontaneous! GO!

Me. On a boat.

So I did.

Sunset. So lovely.

And it was lovely. I got a little queasy, but a turn at the helm cured that. The sunset was so pretty, and the company so pleasant.

I sure am blessed; with friends, and freedom, and beautiful surroundings. And while I miss going home to a family, evenings like this remind me of the upside of being single and kidless.

Just sayin’.

something wonderful this way comes

Malibu Creek State Park

What a fun/thrilling/tiring weekend, full of connections and surprises and learning.

I learned that even though J doesn’t find me sexy, it doesn’t mean that nobody does.

I learned that interest in the study of Latin has steadily increased over the past decade in this country.

I learned to identify dozens of native plants, while on a 5-hr docent-led hike in Malibu Creek State Park.

I’m really quite tired, from all the physical and emotional activity. Tired, in a very very good way.

Yay to being open to connections. I’ve opened all my doors, and good things and people are coming in.

Happy. Yep.

let me introduce you to tui

Tui shooting the treetops

That’s my girl Tui. Lying on her back, shooting the treetops, on a very fabulous day we spent together last year. (Really? was it less than a year ago? wow!)

Tui was dealt a rough hand. Life has sometime (OK, often) been a struggle for her. But throughout the pain/difficulty/suckiness, she has kept a strong flame of self-awareness. All of us could emulate her in this regard.

She also has a special gift with nature.

Tui_bird

See that? She was 4. The bird was not injured, or tame. It just decided to sit on her finger for ten minutes, then flew away.

Tui has special superhero powers. She is a spider whisperer. If you are on instagram, you should follow her (@tuisted) so you can witness for yourself.

Tui, my firstborn. Lake on a mountaintop.

what i forgot

#peace #sleep #sleeping #photoadaymay #photoadaymay_hashimaree

Photo by John Cook, c. 1994

This morning I got the “it’s really over” email from J.

You know, “it is time to cut the last strings of the marriage” and “it is time for us all to turn the page”. By which he meant, the chicky-babe is moving in. And he wanted me to hear it from him, not L.

I knew it was coming. When he asked me to come by and clear out the very last of my stuff so he could purge and redecorate, it was pretty obvious.

It’s OK. I hope I don’t run into her in the neighbourhood, but if I do, I will handle it as graciously as I can. I feel a pang, but not what I would call pain.

But yeah, it’s the end of an era.
And the beginning of a new one.

So tonight, prompted by Jen Lemen, I got to thinking about the things I forgot during my 8-yr marriage to J.

I forgot …
… that I was pretty
… that I really enjoy hanging out with smart people
… to meditate
… to suspend judgement
… that I’m not a superhero
… and I don’t have to pretend to be one
… to dance
… to ask for help
… that not everyone thinks the way I do, and that’s perfectly OK

What did you forget, but are now remembering? Please leave your answer in the comments.

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