The universal reaction of my female friends* has been “He asked you WHAT?” and “You absolutely did the right thing”. So I sit here tonight and try to analyze why I feel so bad about saying No to J yesterday.
If it had been any other reason except for taking care of my ‘rival’, I would have said yes. So was it just spite? What purpose does that serve?
I read a quote today that hit me: “There is a huge amount of freedom that comes to you when you take nothing personally.”– Don Miguel Ruiz.
Obviously, I am taking this personally. My refusal to help out till the agreed date came from my place of personal pain. Yes, girlfriends, I am ‘justified’ in feeling pain. But I don’t want to live my life in that place. I don’t want to wallow in it. I don’t want to be unhappy.
Nor do I want to be (or be seen as) a bitch. It’s just not me. I have a compassionate soul. Yes, I know there’s a difference between acting with grace, and being exploited. But is the difference in the action of the other, or in my own attitude? If I am honestly OK with helping, does it really matter that another might not be? Even if I am honestly not OK with it, perhaps I should adjust my attitude so that I am?
My response yesterday, when I read J’s email, was to get far, far away. Tonight, I am sad that I won’t see L and the Boy. Sad that I acted from a place of pain rather than a place of compassion. I don’t hate J. I don’t hate his chicky-babe, despite my constant use of this disparaging term. (I have googled her. She is impossible to despise.)
Why am I being spiteful, simply because he loves another? Somehow it makes me feel shabby.
I am confused. There is a very bad taste in my mouth. This is not the way I wanted things to end.
*I need more male friends.