I’ve been thinking about forgiveness, about healing, and about the power of song. When I called for a new soundtrack recently, Jess suggested Christina Perri, and for a few days Jar of Hearts was my anthem. Righteous anger can be cathartic, but is it healing? I think not.
Then, a couple of nights ago, I came across the lyrics to Deb Talan’s Forgiven, and I melted. Before I even heard her lovely voice pronouncing the words, I knew this was what I needed to hear, to feel, to live.
You are forgiven
I open all my doors
You are forgiven
What a heart is for
I am no martyr
You give me reason
I try harder
and I wait
for a warmer season
I’d been waiting for my wounds to heal, before I could forgive J. But suddenly I realized that I had the order wrong.
I need to forgive first, and THEN I can heal. They say time heals all wounds, but surely I can hasten the process if I choose to let go of my suffering. Isn’t that the definition of forgiveness — to stop feeling wounded? If I let go of my pain, won’t I be able to forget sooner?
And in that moment, I felt forgiveness.
I hear a soft noise like a sigh,
like a lullaby
It is my heart
It is this wind
that blows through,
Where you held me closer,
Where we whisper
this is true
I saw him tonight, for the first time in two months. We attended L’s school dance concert, and sat together. He gave me my mail. I gave him his house keys and ATM card.
It didn’t hurt.
The healing has begun.
Posted by suchwildlove on April 28, 2012
The sewing blogs of America were all a-twitter with the new Vogue summer patterns today, so I went to look for myself. And found they were on sale for $3.99 each. So while I already have a few patterns I’ve never touched (but really, not that many, right Elizabeth?) these ones are now on their way.
With my now-much-slimmer bod, I can actually imagine myself in these. Maybe I’m delusional, but I’m going to give it a go.
And then of course I could cover my figure flaws with this cardigan if it turns out I was delusional after all.
I call that win-win.
Posted by suchwildlove on April 26, 2012
The lovely Elizabeth of Sewn fame stayed with me the other night. We’d never met before, but had talked on the phone, and knew we liked each other a lot. But it’s a bit spooky how much we have in common (from atheism to a love of thin pillows). She helped me fit my Pastille dress, and we talked about breakups and patterns and our dream fabric store and we played Draw Something (laughing at how dorky it was to be doing it while we were in the same room) and shared a bottle of wine. It was good good good.
Thank you, Elizabeth. Thank you, internet.
Yay for connections. Yay for friendship.
P.S. I stole this photo from your blog without asking permission because technically it’s my picture. I pressed the button. Admittedly on your phone. But still. :-)
Posted by suchwildlove on April 25, 2012
I stayed on in New Orleans to do some solo exploring.
The French quarter …
… Jackson Square …
… Lafayette Cemetery …
… the Garden District …
… the riverfront …
… Mulate’s Cajun Restaurant (complete with dancing) …
… and the swamp.
I also saw some lovely and interesting things in random parts of the city.
And on Saturday I caught the bus to Baton Rouge to visit a bloggy friend, and her sweet family.
Despite being quite ill for the last two days (Beki, I hope I didn’t make your baby sick!) I had a wonderful time.
But I’ve come to realize that, while I love being in new places, I don’t enjoy plane travel or hotels very much. My pillow was too thick, and they could offer me nothing thinner, so I slept poorly. Maybe this means a lot more road trips, and Air BnB accommodation (taking my own pillow), in my future.
Posted by suchwildlove on April 23, 2012
Ah, N’awlins. What a lovely, crazy town. It was over-run by sailors of various nationalities, here to celebrate the 200th anniversary of the War of 1812.
The conference was great, as usual. I taught a breakout session, which was very well received.
The conference organizers are known for staging an over-the-top event for the final night’s party. Here’s what we did last year.
This year, a train of antique Mardi Gras floats paraded us through town to a private party at the House of Blues. We even had three marching bands and a drill team.
My buddy Karen and me.
We tossed beads to the cheering crowds …
… before arriving at the Voodoo Garden …
… then getting down on the dance floor.
On departing, I was struck by these words. See good. Say good. I like it. Could be my new mantra :-)
Posted by suchwildlove on April 23, 2012
I am vulnerably opening myself to more, and new, connections, and just in the past few days I have experienced:
~ an out-of-the-blue gift from someone I met once, ten years ago, who follows my blog
~ a dozen or more compliments every day
~ an offer of a ride to and from the airport for my upcoming NOLA trip (stay tuned for photos!)
~ these words from M next door (co-host, along with his lovely lady, of Saturday night’s party):
Great spending time with you last night. You brought such a light to the house! and thank you for your kind enthusiastic energy*… I had an idea today with shev, i wanted to share with you… we were talking about how much fun it was to have people over and how we want to do that more often and have artists musicians (really everyone is creative whether they admit it or not so all are welcome), so in the near future (next month or so) we want to do one sunday afternoon hang out, jam, casual thing with a dinner and invite whoever… people could spread out all over and jams could arise etc. people could paint… or just talk really whatever… i just want to be around inspiring people and play! anyways, we could totally do a potluck or i know you mentioned that you love cooking for people and i wanted to let you know if that was something you were interested in doing we’d love to have you do some cooking in kitchen, you could take it over really… or whatever… i don’t want it to be a stress for anybody… just fun. please let me know your thoughts and if you have any ideas”
Did my heart swell? It did.
It sounds like Show-Up-Hungry, magnified.
Creative Sundays? I’m psyched.
More adventures in connecting to come!
Yeah, I’m feeling way less off-kilter today :-)
*I think this might be one of the nicest compliments I have ever received.
Posted by suchwildlove on April 17, 2012
Not sure which I enjoyed more: the pub lunch with some amped up girlfriends, the bookstore visit arm-in-arm with L, or the catch-up Skype with sister. I do know that relationships are of premier importance in my life. And while I relish alone-time, I am consistently reaching out to keep my connections strong.
I can hear the band next door practicing. I met Chevy in the street a week or so ago; she invited me to come over for a party tonight. Although, as an INTJ, parties with strangers aren’t really my thing, I’m going to go.
This week, I’m all about the connecting.
Posted by suchwildlove on April 15, 2012
I’ve bought more music (and seen more live performances) in the past few weeks than I have in the past year. This artist, and this one, and today this group have found their way to my iTunes library. I’m seeking a new soundtrack. Adele’s love songs are OUT. “Nevermind I’ll find someone like you”? No thanks. Those days are done.
I still love females with unusual voices. Folksy melodies. Lyrics I can understand. A beat I can twirl to. Any suggestions for me?
Along with a new soundtrack, I’m groping around for a new ‘normal’. My life has been in flux since last October (OK, since Feb 11), and still feels in an interim stage. The foods I do and don’t eat, my exercise and meditation habits, the way I spend my leisure time, the things I’m learning — let’s just say I’m figuring out my new groove.
I’m looking for a place to start
but everything feels so different now.
Just grab a hold of my hand,
I will lead you through this wonderland.
Water up to my knees
but sharks are swimming in the sea.
— Yellow Light, Of Monsters and Men
While I know this current phase is not long term, I really want to find some equilibrium now. I’m tired of being off-kilter, not-right, off-my-game. I want some daily self-care and peace.
So much of that is just a choice to change the way I think, the way I carry myself, to breathe deeply. To let my new reality unfold, without fighting it. I know that often I am my own worst enemy, and what’s the point of that?
Wasted hours, before we knew
Where to go, and what to do
Wasted hours, that you made new
And turned into
A life that we can live.
Wasted Hours, Arcade Fire
Posted by suchwildlove on April 13, 2012
Just home from possibly the most entertaining two hours I have ever enjoyed. It was WELL worth driving to Santa Barbara and back.
Tim Minchin, you rock. Big time.
Posted by suchwildlove on April 12, 2012
The call went out at my workplace for us to participate in One Day Without Shoes, and I signed up. Not because I’m a fan of Toms (their shoes aren’t wide enough for my feet, and I am not sure their philanthropy helps much in the long term) but just for the fun of going barefoot for the day. At work.
I was actually surprised how few people at my casual, no-dress-code company participated. Out of probably 800 staff, less than 20 signed up, and only 7 showed up for the group photo at lunchtime.
For insurance reasons, there were signs all over telling us that shoes were required in the kitchenettes and cafeteria (I slipped on my VFFs to go to those places). So it wasn’t the bonding, toe-wiggling group experience I thought it might be.
But it was still good to pad around in bare feet all day. To feel the floor, the ground. To be aware of where I was about to place my feet, instead of just stomping around obliviously. I have to say I watched the ground pretty closely on my after-lunch walk.
The downside? Well, let’s just say I’ll be bathing before bed tonight. I’m not putting these dirty hooves between my sheets.
But with summer coming, I’m definitely going to have more barefoot days. I enjoy the contact with the earth, despite the cracked heels and calloused toes I acquire as a result. I’ll no doubt be limiting it to weekends, and that’s OK. I’m privileged to be able to have the best of both worlds.
Posted by suchwildlove on April 11, 2012