wings

Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise.

I often wake in the night here, usually to the sound of coyotes. But last night it was a bird who serenaded me. Surely not a blackbird, but I thought of these lyrics when dawn broke.

My friends, endlessly supportive but not shy to voice their concerns, were very skeptical about my reunion with J last October. “Please protect your heart,” they warned me. And they flat out told him, “Don’t mess with Hashi again. Or else.”

And now, as we separate a second time, they look askance at me as I am still there for him on a daily basis.

“Just don’t take his calls!” some say, as I listen for half an hour to his tales of angst.
“L has a mother! She should be stepping up if J leaves town!” others urge.

But .. but … but … I tell these women who love me. But … I have compassion for him. But … I love the kids. But … I am just trying to conduct myself with grace and courage. It’s OK, I’ll be fine.

Fine. Until the cracks appear, and I cry at work. Until it becomes obvious that my wings are, in fact, broken, and in need of mending.

Before 9AM this morning, a text from J told me that the out-of-town gig may not, in fact, be happening after all. I sat there, stunned. Yes, I’d prefer I could stay in my treehouse. But .. could you please stop messing with me? One day you want me, the next day you want the chicky-babe. One day you’re ready to kill yourself, the next you’re deliriously happy. One day, you’re leaving town and my life is upside down, the next you’re not.

And suddenly it became extremely clear, that, if my wings are ever to heal, I need and want to finally and fully separate from Mr. Rollercoaster.

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4 Comments

  1. dearest Hashi. Listen to those who love you most and only have your interests at heart, they are the only ones who are to be trusted to guide you through this. You are doing such an amazing job of healing, dont let J sabotage it. He obviously is having a hard time not being the centre of attention, and is wanting you to draw your focus back to him. His ego does not want you to let go so easily and completely. Dont take the calls, dont be sucked into the drama. Remember. You cant move forward on the monkey bar unless you let go of the last rung. :-)

    Reply
  2. Rhea

     /  February 14, 2012

    You have to separate, fully and completely, at least for a little while, before you can truly move one. I learned this with my last dickhead. Being friends does not work. Take care of yourself, put yourself first, value yourself the most, that is your one and only responsibility right now. He’s a big boy, he can take care of his own life.

    Reply
  3. Hashi, I can understand the compassion you are feeling for J. I felt it myself for my ex-husband. It’s natural. It’s part of the process. It’s human. But just remember, it’s part of the process and it will soon move into the next stage. Trust your instincts. These things have their own timelines. Do what you feel is right because your “right” is yours alone. No one else can know what that “right” is.

    But time will be the ultimate healer and judge. Your perception of J will become more objective as time moves on. You will realize things, maybe years later as I did, of which you couldn’t have conceived without that necessary passage of time. Just remember to move on when it’s time.

    *stepping off soapbox*

    Reply
  4. Dearest Hashi,

    Rise above.
    He has broken those wings.
    Now the time has come for you to mend…and flap, and fly.
    YOU WILL.
    Step away from J. Completely and whole.

    You are healing with grace and extreme courage.

    Listen to the voices of your beloved friends. Most of us have been broken, wings have been clipped and we walked the same painful path you are on right now. It is dreadful.

    But like a Phoenix rising…so shall you.

    Listen to Nature…the birds and coyotes.
    Observe those beautiful sunrises and sunsets.
    Go dancing.
    Cry at work.
    Cry at night.
    Get it all out.

    You will be fine.

    ~LET HIM GO~ Say no. Silence his voice in your sweet pretty head.

    ~Time heals~

    I love ya Girl

    and I still want to twist his balls off and throw them into a cold river of no return.

    Deb

    Reply

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