A year ago I wrote here about my beautiful eldest girl, Tui. Today, she carries new life in her belly, a second son to join her firstborn Jai, who is about to turn 15. That’s a long while between babies, but she’s ready for him :-)
I was 38 when Jai was born, and in total denial about becoming a grandmother. I didn’t even meet him till he was three. Looking back, I can’t believe that I chose to miss out on his early years like that.
Of course, I miss out on so much in my children’s lives by living on the other side of the world. But really? I completely skipped my first grandchild? That seems amazing to me now. I was young and poor and scared, but somehow that doesn’t seem like a good excuse any more.
So yeah, I plan to go back in November to spend time with Tui’s family, sharing the fun of a newborn. That’ll be three trips back in less than a year. Wow.
I love this self-portrait she took. I stole it from her Facebook page.
Posted by suchwildlove on June 11, 2013
We FaceTimed yesterday. Oh my goodness (squealy voice) these babies are scrummy.
Felix is nearly two. He repeats anything you say. He can now kiss properly (instead of just opening his mouth and slobbering). He demonstrated this by kissing the phone many times while I talked with him. He’s scared of dogs (even little puppies) and he adores his baby sister. And trains. He loves trains.
Cali is nearly four months old. Is that all? It seems longer since I last cuddled her. She sleeps well, smiles big, and sings like the rock chick she is.
I miss them so. How many sleeps till I see them in November??
Illustration by Tony. Photos blatantly stolen from Instagram.
Posted by suchwildlove on June 10, 2013
This is my seventh Mother’s Day without her.
And I miss her more each year, as my children grow and have kids of their own. Whereas once I needed mothering help, now I need advice on grandmothering.
Today K asked me to talk about her, as we drove along winding roads in the Santa Monica Mountains. I said she was petite and gentle, loving and cuddly. That she once had red hair. That she taught me to sew and spin and embroider and garden. He wanted more stories, but I don’t think the few anecdotes I shared gave him a good picture of my sweet mother.
All I know is, she is a huge part of who I am.
Miss you, mama. So, so much.
Posted by suchwildlove on May 12, 2013
How do I listen while a loved one sobs out her suffering, without taking on the pain myself? What’s the key? How do I keep perspective and equilibrium, but not become cold or indifferent?
Is this even a goal I should seek? Isn’t the world changed for the better by the passionate, not the dispassionate? If no-one takes on the pain of the abused and disenfranchised, how can things improve for them?
There are degrees of pain. “First world” versus “third world”, for example. But to the sufferer, it’s all pain.
First responders, therapists, charity workers, families of the maimed, these people (and many others) navigate the path of witnessing up close, even embracing, others’ pain without either “fingers in ears, lalalala can’t hear you” or going under themselves. I applaud them, and want to sit at their feet to learn how it’s done.
I don’t know the answers, but I’m getting practice anyway. I want to be happy. I choose to be happy. But I also want to be there for my unhappy friends, to be an ear, to be a rock, to help without hurting myself.
If you know what I’m talking about, tell me how you do it. Please.
Posted by suchwildlove on May 4, 2013
I wonder if I’ll ever be able to have a conversation with J, and not think about them for hours afterwards. I guess they will always hold a good chunk of my heart.
Posted by suchwildlove on April 11, 2013
The Boy came over for dinner. It’s been months — maybe a year? — since we have hung out, just the two of us. What an awesome human he is. I am so happy to know, and feed, him.
Posted by suchwildlove on April 9, 2013
My gift to myself was a day of domestic solitude. In the evening, he plucked the guitar while I Skyped with family, then surprised me with a restaurant dinner. I feel loved.
Posted by suchwildlove on April 6, 2013
I’m grappling with the fact that, although I am happy with someone else, I hate to hear that he is happy with her. Does that make me a vindictive bitch?
Posted by suchwildlove on April 1, 2013
Cali Hashi Hepburn, born February 21, 2013. My heart is bursting.
Posted by suchwildlove on February 21, 2013
Open your mouth only if what you have to say is more beautiful than silence.
– Arabic Proverb
Posted by suchwildlove on February 10, 2013